13th May, 2025
- Black Lawyer
- May 13
- 2 min read
Entry Title: Exhibit A: The Bullet, the Beads, and the Bruised Ego
Filed under: Artful Vengeance
Dearest Diary,
It is a truth universally ignored by the judiciary that revenge, when served on the record, is far more delicious than justice.
And so it was that I found myself in a hearing—not for custody, not for finances, but for the highly contested division of sex toys.
Yes, Diary.
The marital aids had been subpoenaed.
The vibrating relics of happier times, now boxed, catalogued, and prepared for war.
But here’s the twist: my client—let us call him Charles, for “Petty McPettypants” seemed too on the nose—didn’t want the toys. He wanted the performance.
He wanted her parents in the pews. He wanted the transcript to read like a banned book.
He wanted “butt plug” to be enshrined in the court record forever beside their family name.
And so, Diary, I argued a motion while silently praying for the courtroom carpet to rise up and swallow me whole.
We discussed “proprietary harnesses.”
We debated custody of matching pairs.We questioned whether the bullet was community or separate property.
The judge blinked twice—either in disbelief or Morse code for “Send help.”
Opposing counsel adjusted her pearls so violently I thought she might choke on decorum.
And the wife's parents sat, horrified, like Victorian ghosts attending a séance gone terribly wrong.
It was, in a word, sublime.
Because Charles didn’t come to court for closure. He came for theatre.
And in this little black box of jurisprudence, shame was his spotlight and pettiness his monologue.
You see, Diary, in family law, the gavel doesn’t always bang on justice. Sometimes, it taps rhythmically to the beat of “You will never embarrass me alone.”
And to that, I say:Objection. Sustained. And scene.
I still remain, to my own surprise, Poised. Petty. Permanently Booked.
Disclaimer: This entry is a work of satirical fiction. Any resemblance to real people or pleasure devices is purely coincidental (and slightly unfortunate).
Tag a friend who’s ever witnessed a courtroom production worthy of a standing ovation.
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